Friday, March 13, 2015

in my weakness i am made strong


"I've had a long day, I just wanna relax
Don't have time for my friends, no time to chit chat
Problems at my job, wonderin' what to do
I know I should be working but I'm thinking of you and
Just when I feel this crazy world is gonna bring me down
That's when your smile comes around"
(Jamie Grace)

I used to hate those songs. You know, the ones where you could hardly tell if it was a love song to your significant other or God. I didn’t like putting God on the level of human relationships. I’d be driving with K-love on and this comes on “I love the way you hold me…” Sure, God loved me, but to me God was a sovereign ruler, not someone I’d sing love songs to. I would say to myself as I changed the station, “God is more than your boyfriend or girlfriend! He deserves more! He doesn’t deserve to have the same kind of words as them. He’s the King of the universe!” Then God got a hold me, broke me, and I fell in love.

It was slowly and by surprise. My life took a twist when I moved to Tanzania, and back again. My heart broke into a million pieces and scattered about falling on each person I met there. It broke so much I wasn’t sure I had any left with me. I had always had a good immune system, and rarely got sick, but then I got sick, really sick. At first it was the flu, I thought, and then it got worse. I couldn’t walk from the living room to kitchen without getting exhausted. Sleepless nights were spent in tears and prayers until I was too tired to do even that. How did God get a hold of me with this, you may wonder? Some people might retract from God when trials come, but this past year has proved to be opposite for me.

The worst times came when I was alone, unable to reach out to other people for help. I was on vacation when I had my worst episode. Far from home or family and stuck in an unfamiliar city (country girl here) in a hotel room, I was sicker than I’d ever been. Perfect timing…to trust in God. My Father was showing me that I cannot try to control my life. He holds it in His hands, He is the author, and I am the character. It was in times like this one that I cried out to God most, having to rely solely on Him. And every. single. time. He came through. Holding my hand He would say “My daughter, I am here. Come to me. Trust me.”

As the year wore on, I found myself in prayer much more than times past. I would simply talk to God like a friend, at any time of the day or night. “Rejoice evermore. Pray without ceasing. In everything give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you.” An awareness of the Kingdom of God around me in each moment grew inside me despite the brokenness of my physical body. He was, and is, in every moment. He was there in my rejoicing as I watched a life come into this world, and He was there in my weeping over a dear friend lost in this world. He is there in the washing of dishes and folding of laundry. He is there in my dreams and in long talks with friends. He is there in the planting and harvesting of the gardens. He is constant, immortal. A knowledge grew that God is not just God, but He is Baba, Father, Rock, Strong Tower, Marvelous, King, Love, Grace, Peace, Beloved. He is in three – Father, Son, and Holy Ghost.

Had this illness never come upon me, I would not know Jesus as I do now. I would not have the understanding I do now. I would not have the knowledge of how big God’s love is or how much I need Him. As my body and heart broke, my soul strengthened – in Christ. My constant prayer is for God to continue to break me and mold me into the being He desires me to be. And so I thank the Lord for being sick and needy. I thank the Lord for being broken. For it has been in my weakness that I have been made strong.

“Walk by faith, not by sight. As you take steps of faith, depending on Me, I will show you how much I can do for you. If you live your life too safely, you will never know the thrill of seeing Me work through you. When I gave you my Spirit, I empowered you to live beyond your natural strength. That’s why it is so wrong to measure your energy level against the challenges ahead of you. The issue is not your strength but Mine, which is limitless. By walking close to Me, you can accomplish My purposes in My strength.”
(From ‘Jesus Calling’ by Sarah Young – written as if Jesus were speaking)

So you see, I fell in love last summer. I fell in love with the One who is like the shining sun above me. I now smile when these songs come on because God is my love. He is love in itself. He is everything I need, He is my Beloved.

“I am yours and you are mine. I am ravished by his sight, of one glimpse into your eyes. My lovers coming for his bride, but there is none upon the earth that I desire before you Lord. For you’ve been faithful all my days, your love endures it will never fade away. I need to say what my soul is singing. I need to say what my heart is screaming….that I love you, my Dear, my Dear…” (Bethel Music - My Dear)

(Linking up with The Grove this week.)

2 comments:

  1. Sveta, Thanks for sharing your heart and how the difficulties and troubles of this past year have moved you to a personal and vibrant love for God. I thank the Lord that He is working such a change in you, and this inspires me and most likely others who will read your testimony of God's working in your heart and mind. It takes courage to share such a personal experience with an unknown audience, but I believe that through your openness, others will benefit. To God be all glory for His gift of grace and mercy to all who will believe. Love you. Mama

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  2. Such an amazing story, Sveta. So glad to be introduced to you and to hear your heart in this post. You're so right, it's those "worst moments" that bring us closer to Jesus than we'd ever known before. Thanks for linking up at Velvet Ashes!

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