I was driving down the road, and being alone in the car I was talking to God. "I just don't know what to do! I know you've put ____ in my life for a purpose. I know you want me to help. I don't know how, though, God. Why did you give me this job? I'm getting ready to be done with high school, then I have my usual summer job, but then I don't what to do! God, can't you just tell me. Where do you want me?" And then the thought popped in my mind. "Here. I need to be here."
I want to know what to do in the Fall. I want to know if I'll be in college again, taking care of babies at the Angel House, or traveling the world. I want to know if I'll go back to Africa someday. I want to know if I'll ever get married and be a mom, or if I'm to be single and adopt little black faces. I want to know if I'm gonna live in the states, or abroad. All of my life has been consumed with trying to finish each school year, and failing at it most of the time. I want to do something and succeed now. Most of all I want to serve God where He needs me most.
I was sitting on my neighbors couch yesterday and she asked me "What is keeping you from just going back to Africa? Maybe it's on your mind so much because God is calling you in that direction." The thing is, I just haven't felt at peace about saying I'm going to do that. I haven't felt at peace about anything I've thought of doing. But I know now that God has me where He wants me right now: taking care of Lily Grace and being a big sister to my brothers and sisters.
I went outside today to play with the neighbor kids. We had snowball fights and make snow angels and laid in the snow. It was fun. I felt like a kid again, and most of all I felt like I was living life to it's fullest. I came in and made hot chocolate. Who cared if I was 18 and everyone else 10 years younger than I? I'm living in the now, serving children around me, and preparing to live a life full of now moments.